This past summer I was walking my back property line. There was apparently a new couple that had moved in the house behind me. That day i noticed the kitchen curtains were open. I stood there a minute kinda thinknig someone would come out and say hello.
The next day I did the same thing, only the curtains were closed. Once again I stood there for awhile. I had company over and we started to plant some flowers. about 45 minutes into it I noticed the authorities down the road.
I flagged one down and they told me someone had “accidentally”died. It took me a little while to realize I was standing outside that house at the very moment that person was inside on the floor dyeing well before their time.
You’ll never know what it’s like to know you were standing right fucking there and doing absolutely nothing when someone needed help. Just watching the curtains, within 30 feet.
Seems like I always wanna bust outta here. Like, I gotta get some where. Like if I fail, some how there are people somewhere counting on me. I guess it’s all something I made up in my mind. But it’s like this form of anxiety that plagues me… and god help you if you get in my way of getting home. Cause all I wanna do is get home. Not quite sure where exactly “home” is supposed to be, but I’m certainly in search of it. And I have this feeling I need to be there. For a good while I was certain it was between 3 and 5 in the morning. There might be a bottle or two involved in that line of thinking.
wishing a bottle would wash up on shore
wishing a bottle could mean so much more
I’m sitting here just waiting for……..
an eternity lost in words
I’ll take you home, just show me the way
I’ll always see you like that very first day.
Lost in love, don’t take it away
I saw that circle along time ago,
tried to keep my feet on the ground since then. Truthfully, kinda sucked. seeing everybody “want” and go for that expanse of things, I lost people, I lost relationships. they all come back. but I didn’t get to be with them during that process, Even though I’m the one here in the end, I think I’m the actual loser in that game. I played my cards wrong
Argh, it’s been awhile since I put up a post and I had been telling myself I was gonna wait until I was finished this summer as to not jinx anything. Guess I’ve been putting it off for a couple weeks now so here we go.
Sitting around after getting out of the hospital feeling pitiful and pathetic, I was introduced to computers. First Facebook then Twitter then I found WordPress (another story). Not too long after that I found the community inside and started enjoying all of it and making friends from my sofa-prison. When after awhile I came across a post by our dear friend Rara, which I am unable to find or link to. But it referenced a quote by the tennis star Arthur Ashe which is as follows; “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”
At some point I noticed it had been around a year I’d accomplished roughly nothing. So I thought I live in a city with more than one university, and a couple colleges and I could have been taking some classes learning something if only for my own betterment if not towards an occupation of sorts that could provide money and a better lifestyle. I’m Here. There are Schools. Let’s See What I Can Do!
So I enrolled in a local college thinking hey, I’ll take some old Algebra class I never passed in my youth. Well come to find out I had passed it and quite a few others also. Being that I had math on the mind I let an adviser talk me into a Statistics class,. Sure, why not? Okay, all you people out there that might not have had the pleasure of taking Statistics in college let me tell you right now, it’s NOT some regular math class. (Also note it was over 10 weeks not the standard 15, 3 hours a day 3 times a week) Now you are aware, that might explain my posts over the summer, mostly the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps/ you can do this Johnny” kind.
Anyhow, semester over. I don’t know the grade on my final exam still, but I passed with an “A”.